Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
