I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
