It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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