even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
