It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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