I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
