I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
