so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Who died my cat blue again?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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