I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
