i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
