why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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