"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
