3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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