just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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