I cannot find my penis.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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