Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
