Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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