You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
