There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
someone owes me an orgasm
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
