I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
