i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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