I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm really busy with my period
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