just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
