i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
