smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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