it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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