i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
