I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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