i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
