i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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