Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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