Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
