Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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