You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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