You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
They are going to name an STD after you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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