Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
