Duck Duck Cougar?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
