sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
