If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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