i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
