So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
