Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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