I am midnight drunk by noon
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He passed out mid-signature
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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