I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
