I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
