Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
