I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
