I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
