Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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