the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Sorry my hands just texted you
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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