I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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