She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
